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21 April 2012 @ 12:09 am

So, I didn't feel much like posting this earlier... but my mom ended up in the ER today, and... it was generally an EXTREMELY shitty day!

It started off pretty normal, and nice, we went to the complex me and Ian are thinking of moving into so mom could check the area out. She loves the place, and the look of the apartment (and was delighted to find that her worries about the cats being seen through the windows were unfounded. I HATE keeping them secret, but we simply can't find a place in our price range that allows more than two pets, and strictly indoor cats are much easier to hide than dogs!) and the complex.

We brought Sebastian this time, and he made a wonderful first impression. He never fails to impress people, even me! (and, you'll see later, its a DAMN good thing I thought to bring him along!)

there's a pond there, and they have a mated pair of swans! well, uh... it's laying season, and mama or daddy swan was feeling territorial. I noticed him/her lifting his/her wings and showing off, so took seb and went to the car, and said 'alright, s/hes feeling grumpy, lets go' to my mom.

Mom... doesn't come. Eventually, the swan wanders up with wings up and head down. I go 'MOM. come ON' and she...doesn't come. The swan LITERALLY HAS TO RUN AT HER AND TRY TO BITE HER, causing mom to scream and freak out and, as she told me, pee on herself a little (I should not have laughed so much) as she ran back to the car. I facepalmed.

Anyway, after that we went to a nice, cheap little diner place that had tables outside and got food. We were sitting with the dog, talking and eating and everything is going well.

Then mom starts to act like something is wrong. She tells me her throat is burning, which sends of little Emetophobia Alarm Bells, but I'm used to overreacting over silly things. I ask her if she means like heartburn. She says no, that its way, way worse and it really hurts. She coughs and hiccups, and burps a few times. At this point I'm NOPEing the fuck out. I try to stay calm and stay there for her. I beg her to try and go to the bathroom.

And then she genuinely starts coughing. Like she's choking. Note that my mom has an enlarged thyroid gland, and this does sometimes cause her to choke a bit... but not like this. She stands up, trying to straighten her airways, by this point I am terrified and glued to my chair and tearing up. I KNOW she's going to throw up.

She says, really breathlessly in this awful rough voice, 'I can't breathe good... I can't breathe good' I PANIC HARD CORE, because this is my MAMA. Y'all, I am southern, we love our mamas as it is, but my mama is my best friend. As I start to ask her if she wants me to call 911, she coughs again. And this time she does throw up. But it isn't food, even though logically she can't be throwing up bile because THERE IS FOOD IN HER STOMACH. I just watched her eat it. But it WAS bile.

I panic and start fucking vibrating in my chair, my teeth chattering together i'm shaking so hard. My vision tunnels, and there's black at the edges of my vision and it kind of looked like flower petals? Like I was looking through the round center of a black flower. My ears start ringing and I immediately start to cry.

I'm ashamed of this part. I was NO HELP to my sick, possibly in serious danger, mother. I panicked, and I knew I wouldn't be able to walk on my own, and if I stayed I would pass out and I REALLY DIDN'T WANT TO DO THAT right now. I tell her i'm going to pack everything up and take Sebastian to the car, and try and get her to go to the bathroom to finish being sick. She still can't breathe good,(She can breath enough to cough, so there was no obstruction, and she was breathing but not well. If she weren't breathing at all, I think I would have reacted differently and wouldn't have left), but she throws up again.

I say fuck the left overs, grab my purse so hard off the back of the chair the strap breaks, untie Sebastian [okay more like almost pull the table over as I yank his leash off] and walk back to the car. I can't see where i'm going except this tunnel vision of my feet, so I'm mostly kind of relying on Seb to make sure I odn't hit anything. I tell him 'okay lets get in the car' so he knows where we're going. He takes me to the car. I sit for a second and hyperventilate against him in the back of the car. There is a very short time skip here, i'm clawing at my xanax bottle, and I get it open and get a pill out but I have no water. I tried to dry swallow xanax before but it was so bitter I spit it back up.

Pill in hand, dog in the car, I realize I don't have my cellphone to call anyone. I know I can't leave my mom, so I steel myself, pocket the pill and run back to mom. She throws up again right as I get there and I VERY NEARLY turned and ran away. I know I stopped dead and swayed and made some little childish whimpering noise.  I make her give me her phone, tell her i'm going to call someone, and that i'm so sorry but if I stay here i'm going to either faint or just start screaming.

I went back to the car and called 911. I was stuttering so bad, but the dispatcher figured out what was wrong. She told me I needed to calm down, and I... I just did. well, no, I was just as panicky and shaking just as hard but I just STOPPED STUTTERING. It was amazing. I needed to, so I did. I was really proud of myself. My mom came over while I was on the phone, and I told her the dispatcher said to have her sit down and just stay there... And then the dispatcher said to call back if anything changed, and the ambulance would be there shortly.

When mom found out i'd called the ambulance she freaked. Apparently she was feeling better, and breathing okay again. She called back, told them not to come, and that she would drive her to urgent care. I DID NOT WANT TO RIDE IN THE CAR because I was almost positive she would throw up again. She came toward me at one point and I almost ran away. I was just so fucking terrified. I have never been so scared, ever.

I wanted to call Ian to come get me, but mom told me not to and she didn't want to go alone. I told her I would meet her at urgent care and to please understand and ... I don't know its blurry. Eventually, I guess she convinced me to get into the car with her. [She wouldn't give me her cellphone so I didn't have a choice anyway.] I sat in the back, with Sebastian, and put my headphones in and closed my eyes and just fucking bawled. I hyperventilated and yanked at my hair and freaked the fuck out and couldn't breathe or stop crying. I looked up at one point, and Sebastian was giving me this worried, impatient look and I realized he was waiting for me to let him rest his head in my lap.

So I patted my thigh, and he put his paws and head in my lap and just sighed. I forgot I had taught him that so long ago, Its been years since I had to turn to him and not Ian for comfort in an attack. I cried into his fur the whole way to urgent care, somehow managing to give my mom (Who, by this point, is right as rain except for a sore throat and being tired) directions too.

By the time we got there, I had mostly calmed down. I dropped her off, made sure she was registered, then went and took Sebastian home. I started shaking and gasping again while I told Ian what went down, and cried again when I told my sister over the phone. I dropped Seb off, and then went back out. Halfway there she calls and this goes down

"can you bring me clean pants? I smell like pee."

"...did you pee when you were sick!?"

"no, remember the swan?"

And we both laughed and I felt SO much better after that. So I turned around and got her clean undies and pants, and changed into my Comfort Shirt (its kind of bad, but its this huge old tee-shirt, thin and worn entirely soft. It was my ex boyfriends! But its SO comfortable and just makes me feel good when i wear it >.< ) and actually got something to do while in the waiting room.

The doctor jumped at the first possible explanation she could find, that my moms thyroid had just put pressure on her throat. I doubt it, because the bile was burning her throat before she had breathing trouble... I think that something happened, that made the bile come up and all that, and then while she was coughing from the burning in her throat, her thyroid DID put pressure on her trachea and maybe collapse it temporarily.  I think two separate things happened, and I can't explain one of them and it terrifies me, because what if it's a disorder and she's going to throw up often??

admittedly, as scary as that is, I'm more worried over her thyroid. Of course, that's a more long term, health threatening thing. So, me and my sister urged her and she's going to see an Endocrinologist sometime this week. I'm still a nervous wreck, and eating only Safe foods to keep myself from worrying so much. I'm mostly okay though, since I know it wasn't anything to do with her stomach. She didn't even feel nauseous.

EDIT: the worst part was, there were people around, and no one tried to help us.